What the hell is up with that?

I feel the confusion setting in more and more.  I am trying to figure out what exactly I am doing with the next 6 months of my life.  Do I continue to outrun something that catches up with me every night in my dreams and everyday in my thoughts or do I give in and settle for what my life has become?  I am notorious for fucking up good things.  I just can’t help it.  Call it a tragic flaw.  I am like a kid with too many options on a saturday morning. 
The dynamics have changed for me here.  All the friends I made in the beginning have left or are leaving.  It’s like they’ve been voted out of my life either by me or some unseen force.  Some I have voted out because of a disregard for human emotion on both parts.  If you think there is a vortex in Asheville, wait till you spend a month here. 
I won’t lie, Asheville holds a deep deep place in my heart for many different reasons.  Actually about 15 to 20 particular reasons.  I do miss my friends and my family.  I do miss my little pups and Gato.  I miss my pub and the comfort of those mountains.  However, I don’t know that I want to be there.  There’s too much there that I fear, if in my face everyday,  would be the death of me. 
So what is there to do?  Continue to bite a lonely bullet and suck up the emotional pain.  I have a great job and I make really goooooood money.  I have made some really amazing friends.  I am considering culinary school.  (Don’t hold your breathe)  And I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. 
When I first came here I spoke with a local who had watched people come and go all her life.  She told me that only the loners survive this island.  I didn’t think she was serious.  Now I know she wasn’t bullshitting.  Perhaps I am a survivor after all.  Either that or my ego just won’t let my mind give in. 

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 14th, 2006 at 4:23 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.